Baseball is right around the corner, and while the media is flooded with stories about players reporting and various buzz from team camps, there are many other signs that the major league season is approaching. Here are ten of them:
1. John Kruk
emerges from hibernation, immediately kills and eats fifteen
2. Popular comedian Brian Wilson
attempts to locate a baseball uniform in his closet of wacky costumes.
3. Molinas rise from squatting positions, stretch backs, resume squatting positions.
4. The fully-tenured and highly decorated head professor of advanced theoretical physics at the
University of Cambridge goes on sabbatical and resumes his side career as
5. Pablo Sandoval
stops eating brick-shaped block of cheese, begins eating baseball glove-shaped block of cheese.
6. Bill Simmons begins working columns full of overzealous and undeserved
praise for the Red Sox in between columns full of overzealous and undeserved
praise for the Celtics.
7. Cameron Maybin
purchases a $500 Panda
Express gift card and an unbreakable industrial-grade steel super-reinforced
toilet for the Petco Park clubhouse bathroom.
8. Albert Pujols
begins growing human skin over metal exoskeleton.
9. Tim Lincecum
begs his mom to drop him off at Giants spring training in Scottsdale, but not right at the front because he doesn't want the big kids to see her in the car.
10. Brandon Wood
heads to the batting cages to perfect his foul-out swing.Note: this is satire. Duh.